I’m Just Jealous

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Have you ever been out at a social event and run into someone who you were in a current intimate situationship? When I say situationship I am referring to something less than an exclusive relationship but something more than friends. Call it friends with benefits if you will.

It’s amazing how these situationships can create feelings of jealousy and insecurity when either party happens upon the other at a social function. Jealousy may occur on either end.

One person could ensure the other notices flitatious looks or touches with those of the opposite sex. Another could take any interaction with the opposite sex as a reason to become jealous.

Once I was out with a girlfriend of mine and she and her FWB happened to be at the same club. They barely spoke a word to each other and at one point it seemed as though they were trying to out dirty dance the other. They were literally just feet away from one another the entire night.

As the night ended the jealousy caused conflict and an argument ensued. There was yelling and crying until they finally left together.

While some may say that jealousy is a normal reaction or even a way to illustrate that someone loves you I’d disagree. I don’t believe there is room for jealousy in love. Jealousy is a selfish emotion. A jealous person thinks only of his or her happiness and/or grief.

Even worse, a person who intentionally tries to make a love interest jealous is acting immature and testing his or her mate’s affections instead of having an adult talk about the level of their commitment.

Psychology Today shares a few tips on how to overcome jealousy should you find it rearing its head.

“As a general insurance against jealousy, nurture your relationship. Take time to be together, and spend time talking even when apart. It’s important to share your inner worlds with each other.

Make a decision whether you want to confront your suspicions or not.

If you feel suspicious, worried, possessive, threatened, or unsure regarding your partner—or, alternatively, you feel crowded, controlled, restricted, or blamed by your partner about friendships or activities—don’t let your assumptions run away with themselves. Check them out with your partner. But first, reflect on how to put your thoughts into words.
The goal is to start a conversation non-belligerently, to be constructive and non-blaming. To avoid setting off defensiveness in a partner, use statements that begin with “I,” not “you.”

Identify a specific behavior of your partner’s that is upsetting to you (“when you let that guy pour you a drink”) and explain how it makes you feel.

Knowing how to give voice to things that disturb you is crucial. A good structure to follow has three parts:

“I notice…” (you seemed quiet last night, or you were unusually friendly with that woman at the party).

“I assume that it means…” (you were upset about something, or you were just being friendly).

“I wonder…” (what it is and if you would tell me, or whether there is more to it).

Pause to be sure your partner is listening and to give your partner time to respond.”

Remember, jealousy is a Relationship Killer. Get it in check before it causes irrevocable damage to your relationship.
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Written by Dena Reid, Esq. Founder of Code Red Flag and Best Selling Author of Flag On the Play: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Mr. Right in A World Full of Mr. Right Nows. Follow Code Red Flag on Twitter and Instagram.

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