Many will have you believing that there is shared fault when a significant other cheats: something that was lacking in the relationship was the root cause of the infidelity and therefore the cheaters actions are justified. Please realize that those who participate in this blame game are red flags. Only actions that can be controlled are our own. As such, the cheater holds complete fault for their actions in stepping outside of their relationship.

Whether to remain in a relationship in which there was infidelity is a personal choice. Some who have been cheated on can forgive and forget. Some cheaters truly will seek and take active steps to regain trust. A candid conversation is needed to figure out how to move forward. In that conversation, the root cause that led to the cheating needs to be discovered.

Below is an excerpt from Ask April regarding the categories most cheaters fall into:

The Cheater In Need is someone whose needs, wants, and desires (physical or emotional) are not being met within the relationship. Often this person does not know how to communicate their needs, or he or she feels uncomfortable asking for what they need. The cheater in need’s partner may, equally, not be able to understand what the cheater is asking for, or they may be unable (or unwilling) to meet those needs. This type of relationship vividly demonstrates the need for honest and open communication between partners as these cheaters cheat because they do not know how to get their needs met in a more productive way.

Please don’t mistake this cheater for a justified cheater. There are no justifications for cheating. This cheaters inability to communicate his/her needs or leave a relationship in which they are not fulfilled is no ones fault but his/her own.

The Passive Aggressive Cheater wants to be caught and left by the non-cheating partner. Rather than facing the partner and saying that they want to break up, he (or she) cheats and hopes to be discovered so that they can get out of the relationship. Yes, it’s a passive aggressive way to break up.

Such a cheater may leave clues such as lipstick on a pillow or flirty messages left open on the computer. Instead of ending a relationship, they sabotage it by doing things they believe they won’t likely be forgiven for once caught. And they play a very active role in helping themselves get caught.

The Narcissistic Cheater is someone who wants to have the best of both worlds …or three worlds, or four, whatever the case may be. He (or she) doesn’t have any regard for anyone else’s feelings or needs. The narcissist only cares about themselves, period. It is important to realize that someone with a narcissistic personality is unlikely to ever change. These people seek out partners to satisfy their needs — their needs, and theirs alone.

No further explanation is needed. Narcissists are Code Red Flags. Stay away from them.

The Adrenaline Junkie Cheater is addicted to excitement, sex, and risk. These people often get bored in a healthy relationship and crave the feeling of almost being caught and the adrenaline rush that comes with that fear.

This type of cheater likes to live on the edge. They are likely to take risks in every facet of their lives. At one point, they invited you to be risky with them. But once the thrill has run its course with you he/she will need a new thrill seeker.

The Self Destructive Cheater suffers deep seeded psychological problems and they don’t feel that they deserve love, so when things are going well, and they start feeling loved, they will do whatever they need to do to end it. Often that dysfunction takes the form of cheating.

The logic here is that hurt people hurt people. We all have baggage, some of use our past issues as stepping stones to do better while others use it as an excuse not to do any better. Those who fall in the latter category are red flags. Allow them to deal with their issues on their own before you allow them to become your issue.

The Symptomatic Cheater is someone whose cheating behavior is just the tip of the iceberg — a secondary symptom of some other problem. For instance, alcoholics or drug addicts may cheat on their lovers or their spouses as a symptom or a part of their disease. Cheating may not be the main problem — rather a symptom of something else that’s wrong.

Over indulgence in alcohol and illicit drugs and addictive personality traits are gateways to infidelity. While a person may want to blame the cheating on the alcohol, the cheating is just a symptom of the alcohol abuse.

Regardless of the category a cheater falls into the fact that he/she cheated on their relationship may be too much to bear. The first step to figuring out whether the relationship can be healed is to be honest with yourself.

Are you capable of truly forgiving and forgetting about the cheating?