Dear CRF, “Am I Killing My Relationship?”

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Dear CRF,

Am I killing my relationship? I am a single mother of one with a full time job and I am also a full time student. I am in a relationship of less than one year and we have talked about being together for the long hall. I think this is a great idea and believe that if it is meant to happen it will all fall into place in due time, but for now I should take care of myself, get my career on track and solely provide for myself. The relationship often takes a back burner to my child, church, schooling and sometimes, but rarely my immediate family. A friend recently told me I’m all business and no emotion towards my relationship and it made me feel like shit. I spend as much time as I can with my man but I have other priorities as well that demand my attention and time. Is this selfish or is my caution justifiable. As we grow I will def. compromise other aspects of my life reasonably to be with him more, but right now I am in no rush at all is that so wrong?.

Signed anonymous!

Today’s response comes courtesy of one of our community members. He wrote,

Although I don’t have a child, she kind of reminds me of myself, because I think I’m experiencing something similar as a young professional and community servant that is in a new relationship. The similarity I see is of having a lot going on right now and not having enough time to “do it all”.

I’ve really struggled with this and it’s not getting any easier to have a balance, but I think the only real way to alleviate some of the pressure of being a busy person and maintaining a relationship is to de-compartmentalize your significant other’s role in your life by bringing them into as many other aspects of your life as possible. Which basically means, instead of pushing them away because you’re busy, bring them closer by integrating them into the things that are making you busy.

From what I read above my suggestions would be that she can bring her person to church/church activities. When the time is appropriate (that can only be determined by every person as a parent), have that person spend time with you and your child. Take them to Starbucks with you when you’re studying and he/she can do other work they have to do in that time. Then go get lunch when you decide to take a break. Bring them to spend time with your family also and have every member of your family get to know them to the point that they could hang out with family members even without your being there.

In sum, lessen the burden of compromising aspects of your life by making your significant other a part of every facet of your life.

I fully agree with his advice. I’d like to also add that your mate has not approached you complaining about the time you spend with him. Your friend, although she may have good intentions, is not a party in your relationship so she may not know how the dynamic with you and your mate work. Don’t allow her opinion of your relationship with your mate to put undue pressure on your already hectic life. If a time comes when your mate suggests he needs more quality time then I suggest you take heed of what the CRF community member said above.

Good luck to you, I know how hard it is to juggle school and a personal life.

Dena Reid, Esq., Founder of Code Red Flag and author of the best seller Flag On the Play: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Mr. Right in a World Full of Mr. Right Nows.

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