DEAR CRF,

“Finally I have a problem of my own I need help with, haha. My girlfriend and I have lived together for awhile. For awhile we financially split everything down the middle, but I have recently been blessed with a better job. Since then, we have been splitting the rent 60/40 (I pay 60 percent), plus I pay her car insurance and all the groceries. Today we had a chat and I told her that while I don’t mind helping more financially, I thought it would be fair if she contributed more around the apartment to make up for that. She hates to clean but since I work more than she does it’ll be her responsibility to make sure the apartment stays clean. I am not expecting a maid, of course, I clean a lot myself, but I want her helping around the apartment a lot more. She doesn’t seem to like the idea. Am I being unfair?”

CRF RESPONSE:

First, congratulations on the new job. That is truly a blessing. I believe the issue you have here is two-fold. 1) How you framed the conflict and 2) attempting to make your girlfriend into something she is not; Mary Poppins. I’ll elaborate further.

1) Framing the conflict. In our lives conflict is inevitable. How we manage conflict determines how successful our relationships are. One way that we manage the conflict is how carefully we frame the issue.

From your Dear CRF letter, it seems as though you may have framed this conflict with your girlfriend as “I make more so you should pick up the slack.” That may not have been your intent, but please try to see why she could perceive it that way.

Next, ask yourself what is the real issue here. Is it that you are working too many hours to keep the standard of clean that you find acceptable and need help? Or is it that you are paying more money so in turn you want more an effort on her part (a sort of quid pro quo)? If it is the latter, that should have been the discussion when the bill payment structure was changed.

If you made the decision to pay more out of the goodness of your heart then kudos to you. It’s not the best thing for a harmonious relationship to later ask for some type of repayment for a decision you made unilaterally.

If it’s the former, then there is a an easy compromise to this situation. Your girlfriend can continue to maintain the house as she has been throughout the year you have been dating and she can employ and pay for a cleaning service with the money being saved on her portion of the rent.

2) Requiring her to change to make you happy is never met with a warm smile and open arms. After living together for over a year you know her habits. In fact, you have been the cleaner one in the relationship and that culture has been set. You say you know she doesn’t find enjoyment in this activity so it seems like a test to see how much she will sacrifice of herself for you. No one likes to feel like their love is being tested. And no one should be required to change in order to be in a relationship. We must accept our mates as is–take the good, take the bad–or move on.

I hope that this conflict does not escalate due to how it was framed. I suggest apologizing for how you approached the situation and then try to explain your concerns with her and listen to her as she explains hers. You may find my compromise feasible, but if you not, brainstorm some ideas with your girlfriend which would work for the both of you.

Good luck.
~ Dena Reid, Esq. Founder of Code Red Flag