Dear CRF: I Haven’t Caught Him Red Handed

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Dear CRF:

“Ok so i wasn’t going to do it but i think its time… i am currently dating this guy for almost 2 yrs now it seems as if he has no motivation and or drive, he’s not working but he has a side job of moving and hauling which he barely make any money. He recently had to move in with his parents do to financial problems i live alone with my two kids and we have plans to move together really soon because he promised that he will be getting a full time job. the biggest problem that i have with him is that he goes out way too much in a course of a weeks time i have to say that he goes out 3 times now granted he used to do that before we got together but he knows that i have a problem with him going to these bars bc there is nothing good that will come out of that situation. he has a lot of “female friends” in which they post pics on fb of the time that hang out at the bar and some of the pic are questionable he also loves to message different women on tagged on he oovoo and skype i know this bc i looked through his computer i know its time for me to go but i have never actually caught him red handed.”

CRF Response:

No need to catch him “red handed”, you have all the information you need in front of you. You’re an adult with two children to take care of. This man barely has income and lives with his mother yet has time to party several times a week. Where are his priorities? He doesn’t have any. There’s a huge difference between a man who is willing to do anything to work and become stable compared to the man you’ve described here. Save yourself now and move on. You’re busy questioning when you will be moving in together and who the the girls in his facebook posts are. Let his mother worry about that. You said “I know it’s time for me to go,” and that’s the truth. Don’t even look back. All the best to you.

 

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15 comments
JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

You know, looking back, I didn't have much time to spend with my first husband. *I* was the one paying the bills, washing and training the dog (after he promised this one would be trained, unlike the other 3 dogs we had that I took complete care of with NO help, not even feeding), and I took my car in for service, he took his truck, the kids always went with me to get shopping done because you know he couldn't sleep and babysit (you don't babysit your own child).

He never gave me money because I had complete control of the checkbook. My head was spinning and I didn't even know it until he got angry and said he was 'resentful' that he needed to ask me for money. I told him I was running a strict budget, and all he EVER had to do was ask. We sat down and set aside what each of us could spend a month. He wanted to spend it on snacks and food, and I wanted some magazines, so then he still said he didn't 'get' what he wanted. I said I could start fixing him stuff to take to work to keep his other money for him, but he didn't want 'the guys' to see him bringing stuff from home.

Not my problem if he didn't like the budget. I gave him the checkbook and we went into bankruptcy.

Learning experience: Men do not like asking for money. In this marriage, I ask him if he has enough, and he is smart with his money and knows the end result is to help him retire early.

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

In my first marriage, I was the breadwinner for 12 years. I am the one that purchased the cars, the houses. I had to get both children ready for two different locations so that I could travel and get to work by 8 AM. Then at 5 PM I was expected to pick them both up at the two different places, speak with teachers, take my time off for doctor appts because his was 'too important,' cook all the meals, clean the house, do the laundry, get the children their baths, help them with homework, and read the stories to get them to bed.

I was away from home at least 50 hours a week. Him? 36-40. He lived less than 2 miles from work.

I don't know what planet you live on, but my first husband worked 3-4 12 hour days a week, did all the yardwork, then slept in the recliner while I did this. I think both should know what all the other is doing before they spout off about their own accomplishments as being so effing much.

Wonder who was the majority partner in that one? Quite frankly, I always thought it was very immature to look at relationships as chances to keep score. Marriage should be your soft place to land, not a battlefield to see who does the most.

MiriamMcPherson
MiriamMcPherson

Clearly, this man is not ready for a relationship. First, he has financial problems that need tow be wroked out before marriage. if not, then thye will become your problems. Secondly, I didn;t hear the word "marriage" just the phrase "move together". Honey, if a man truely loves you he will propose marriage at a certain point. Thirdly, the going out maybe to combat possible depression form not having employment or moving in with his parents. However, i notice he is not asking you to acconpany him. You cannot keep someone who doesn't want to be kept. use the energy taking care of yourself and your family instead of worrying about him  You are worth more.

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

I am beginning to believe that either some men never mature, or they are so set in their ways that they feel it's too much work to change vs the 'thrill' of doing whatever it is they want to do, even if they have to do it behind your back.  He was 63 when the two back to back infidelities happened (one was telephone only, the other was a physical encounter - some 'strange').  We had been together 9 years. If he hadn't changed, we would not still be together, working on our marriage every single day.

I had no intuitive notion that he was cheating. It was pure trust.  I had complete trust for an untrustworthy person, so it didn't take long for me to heal.  You can't make sense out of nonsense, so I was able to stop that hamster wheel thinking.  I was not the cause of his decision to cheat.  He was.

I always treated my life like I could lose anyone at anytime. I don't
coddle always, but I look at life that when someone walks out the door, that may be the last time I get to tell them and show them what they mean to me. He did not do the same, or rather he did, but his actions behind my back told another story.

Good things are in your future, but you won't see them unless your chin is up!

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

Wow at the responses. I was happy, had found new work, was helping my husband with his goal to retire early. He gave me every indication he was supremely happy, so I had no suspicions. Not every woman is searching. I'm not an insecure person, so I won't live in a relationship with my own uncertainty. If I'm wanting to be with another man, I'm done.

I am not one to stagnate in a relationship, so I was always bringing new ideas.

As far as a 'thrill' to catch, for me that's bullshit. I thought he was done with 'teenage angst' and seeing what he could get away with. The 'thrill' left me feeling like I'd been in a car accident and was bleeding out on the road. Thrill my ass.

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

That's just it.  The illusion, if you will, is that when people get married, they just assume the work will all be evenly distributed.  It does take daily work.  Each person has their own perspective, so I'm sure my first husband would have a different truth than mine, i.e. his job was more stressful, he couldn leave to take care of his children, etc. and yet, he didn't know the stress our office was under with the merger, nor that I was sharing my limited sick days with both children so I got reprimanded for being out when daycare wouldn't allow them in due to fevers.

I couldn't even count on him to hire a babysitter if he wanted to do something with me.

My husband in this marriage is on a 24/7 call job that can sometimes work 6 days or midnights in a week, or nothing at all, home every day.  If I am working, HE is doing the housework now instead of joining the porn sites (which is what he was doing 4 years ago).  He's given his life to Christ, and I recommitted my own baptism alongside him.

Now I have good things to look forward to, even if healing my grief over what has been stolen from me is hard work for me.

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

I haven't yet read your advice, but I will; and I will post my response to this after my own experience.  I think this is subjective, and I only have my anecdotal evidence to illustrate, but here goes:

I had to catch my husband because there were no visible red flags. I didn't set out to catch him, because I had complete trust; and he spoils me rotten. He was just so smooth (he is also an illusionist as a hobby - so he hides things well and uses misdirection - very practiced) that none of my instincts went off.

There were no red flags to catch.

Even hindsight and looking back (which we do to try to 'prevent' it from happening again by catching signs early), there was nothing to prepare me for what I caught him doing when it presented itself to me on a routine bill pay. He has always treated me like a queen. I had not been snooping. Never felt the need to, and I don't want to live my life that way.

No, I had to catch him, then verify that what I was seeing was real; because you don't just throw away 10 years of marriage on a hunch.

I was happy. He was, or seemed very happy and satisfied. There were NO changes. No arguements, no new vanity, no new clothes, no gym work, no unexplained absences, no coming home late from work, no extra money spent (we're very tight on money right now).

No, I refuse to spend my life snooping, but when your whole world is rocked by a trauma, I feel you need to be SURE the trauma is real and not your psyche playing tricks on you. Hypervigilance after a trauma is normal, but should heal. Trust but verify has never failed anyone.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now to this story in particular.  There are so many #CRF's here that I think you have let slide too long.  If you set your boundaries concerning the 'one' you want in your life, did you see the lack of motivation or drive as acceptable in the beginning, or did you just say, "I'm going to overlook that?"  If you want a man with motivation and drive, clearly you are already batting a negative here.

Then, he had to move in with his parents due to finances.  Why are you 'seeing' a future with someone that's only paying you lip service?  Watch his actions.  You've had 2 years.  TWO YEARS to see change.  How much more of your life do you need to waste on this fellow to see?

Bars?  Who the hell is supplying him with money?  If his financial state is zilch, you need to be asking yourself even HARDER questions.  Why is he partying when he should be studying or hunting a job?  He only cares about you as a toy, along with his bar hopping.  The 'boy' just ain't into you, sister.

All the female friends and posts on FB?  Step, girl.  You have a lot to offer a man that has more going for him, and he will show you how much he values you.

WIth all the flags aflyin', there is NO NEED to catch him to break it off.  You have SO MANY OTHER #CRF's that catching him 'in anything' isn't even on the horizon.  Just break it and have a better life without that extra ball and chain.


ShawnMcdowell
ShawnMcdowell

In regards to this specific case, the WRITING is on the wall and the advice CRF gave answers the question. But in other cases, what one ASSUMES and CONTRIVES in their own mind, may not necessary be the case. When one ACCUSES another of a infraction, you better have something more than what you THINK is taking place to prove your claim.

At the 1:57 mark, LOOK LISTEN, heed and LEARN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqu_CGxNJbk

Ashley
Ashley

Been dealing with my man for about 7yrs now. We often have a annual party every year that turns out good but the issue is I started to take notice that when everyone is partying he is no where to be found. All of his friends are partying with their woman but I'm left to party by myself or other people. I feel like he may not want to be seen with me in a environment like that or having fun with me. Does it seem fair to partake in a event with your significant other that is more entertained with the party then his own woman? Do I seem jealous or should I understand that its a party and he just want to have fun?

tasha mac
tasha mac

Ok so here it is im sleeping with my kids dad friend at first i started doing it because u was heart broke and felt betrayed by my kids dad...any way we have been sleeping together for over a year and i really enjoy sex with him im starting to have deeper feelings for him we have been spending more time together but we can't be seen together so we hang out at his house..my question is do i leave it alone or should i continue to have great sex with no strings attached...I got myself in a mess so dnt judge me...

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

@Ashley Have you talked with him about it?  What would he do if you stuck with him like glue?

I wouldn't call it jealousy, I'd call it separate interests.  Tell him when he does that you feel like chopped liver, and you'd like to know exactly where you stand in his life.  Set boundaries and consequences, be prepared for hearing something you may not want to hear, and have a plan to act on either way.  I'd just about guarantee you'd be happier if you felt more in control of your own life instead of hitching it to his actions.

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

@tasha macTo be sure, growth and change can be scary; but so can throwing our life away when we think we can only find our value mirrored in another person's eyes.

JodiWIlliams
JodiWIlliams

@tasha mac Looks to me like you've found yourself in a 'situationship.'  Pretty much anytime you have sex with a man regularly, you're going to develop feelings.  You should be protecting your body for a man worth being a father and partner; someone proud to show you off.

Instead, you're just putting a bandaid on a broken heart.

It also sounds like you like the sex - have you asked yourself why you would devalue yourself in this way?  Nothing wrong with with a person with healthy emotions liking sex, but do you know how many other women this man sleeps with?  Have you been tested for STDS?  Are you even thinking of the consequences if your kids have to be orphaned if an STD puts you in the hospital or kills you??  Why is your self esteem so low that you are okay with all this??  Please get some help.  Your post screams hurt and low self-esteem.  Just know that low self-esteem is often hidden from us when we choose to find our value in habits like sex, or staying with people that don't value us, or to stay with someone just so we don't have to work and grow.

Get yourself out of the sex situationship pronto and don't rely on a man to heal you.  Heal yourself and stay away from men until you do.  You're too vulnerable.

You got a lot of nerve saying no judgement, when anything someone says you may not like but is truth.  You're not the only one, for sure, but you need to hear truth whether it hurts or not, you put yourself in there.


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