Yesterday, on the Code Red Flag (“CRF”) Facebook fan page we discussed how men approach women. To start the discussion, I posted this anonymous submission:

The responses from the CRF members ranged from, “why did the friend need to say anything” to ” Silly boys demonstrate that they have no manners and we get the insults” to “Just say hello back and keep it movin … Why have an attitude when someone speaks to you?” Hold that thought.

Later on that day, I received a message from a guy (Guy 2). He wrote, “Dayum…U a model or actress or sumthin?” I did not respond, but I shared this exchange on the CRF fan page. Again, community members responses ranged from, “Looks like we need to start classes called How To Court Effectively” to “Help me understand whats wrong with what he said because I dont get it. Are you offended that he likes your looks?” Hold that thought.

Later on that evening I get another message from a different guy (Guy 3). This one wrote,

I know you’re wondering, did I respond to him? You bet I did. You see it’s really all about the approach.

Guy 1, with the chips in the mouth hollering “hey ma” is a turnoff for any woman who doesn’t keep her pum pum on the clearance rack. Some may say she should have said hey back. Some may say that just because a man says hey does not mean that he’s trying to sleep with a woman. That may very well be true. However, no one is under any obligation to speak to a stranger on the street. Additionally, such an approach doesn’t warrant a response (maybe a sideeye) and surely would not have received one from me either. If that makes me stuck up and bougie, in the words of Hip Hop artist Red Man, “I’ll be that.” Like I tell my girlfriends who complain about being called bougie, “better bougie than ratchet!”

Now on to Guy 2. Where do I even begin? “Dayum?” Really? As one member suggested, it would seem that some men, using the term generally, have not been taught how to respectfully approach a woman to whom they are attracted. While complimenting a woman on her looks is always nice (a bit overdone, but still nice) there is a right and a wrong way to compliment. How this guy did it, wrong. “Damn can I drink your bathwater” (yes, I’ve heard that), wrong. “I just want to lick you” (I’ve actually had a guy lick my arm on his approach), wrong!

You know what would be acceptable? I was out with a platonic guy friend one night and I caught this guy staring at me. He saw the look of discomfort on my face and decided to approach. He apologized for staring and said that he just wanted to tell me that I look amazing. He then wished me good evening and went along his business. Now that I can respect!

Guy 3 gets a round of applause. And it disturbs me that we live in a society where I have to give a round of applause for what is considered socially acceptable behavior. I responded to him because he approached me with manners. Sadly, that seems lost on too many these days. Does that make Guy 3 the one? Of course not. What it does is opens the door for a conversation. He’s gotten farther with me than either of the other 2 so he’s already winning.

See fellas, good guys don’t finish last. Not when they’re approaching good women. Just be sure to remember, once you’ve mastered the approach be sure to remember to be consistent throughout the conversation and what develops after will develop.