( It really IS me)

I was checking out a great post about what type of women are the marrying kind (“Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others”), and it hit me that although it was a bit brutal at times, I agreed with pretty much everything that was said. And then it hit me again that I described it as brutal because a lot of it was describing me. Brutal because the many of the “reasons” I was still single was spelled out right in front me. Old. Overweight. Not caring what I look like when I go to the grocery store.

I am not my own punching bag, but I, along with other ladies, need to face the “ugly truth”. I am not my best self and it is the main reason why I’m single. That, coupled with the fact that I live in Miami, land of the video vixen who seems to be everywhere, even working at McDonald’s. Of course I know that there are older, heavier, and bummier looking women out there who have boyfriends and husbands, so these are not definite factors influencing one’s singleness or ability to hold on to a significant other. Even on the flip side, I know that just because you’re young and viral, in the best shape, and have a pound of makeup on, doesn’t make you a shoe-in to have a man. The truth is, I think a lot of us know exactly whats’ holding us back from being in perpetual bliss, but we would never dare to say it out loud, or admit our deficiencies. But I will, because I’m trying to get boo’d up! Here are a few reason you may still be on OKCupid or scrambling for a +1 to every wedding you’re invited to:

YOU’RE UGLY. Not that you’re the human version of Gollum from Lord of the Rings, but your best face is definitely not being put forward. Case in point, my friends say I have a terribly mean look on my face 97% of the day. Now I’m not tooting my own horn, but I have been told I’m pretty cute ( when I’m not scowling), have a nice smile, and have gorgeous eyes. But if men walk by me in a bar and my disposition is similar to Charles Manson’s regular face, I’m going to be a bit ugly. Not to mention scary. What I’m trying to say is if you look ugly ( have a negative disposition), you won’t attract anyone. Being ugly also stretches to your personality. If you’re mean to people, have a nasty attitude, and just suck in general, you will not attract anyone of great quality. Be nicer to people. Be genuine. Smile damn it, because you never know who’s looking for that shine.

YOU’RE FAT. The article mentioned that women over 35 who were also overweight did not want to hear that both reasons are a huge factor contributing to their singleness. But let’s face the fats, I mean facts. Most women don’t dream of meeting a man with a beer gut. We look for that hot Adonis with a six-pack, who could pick us up and put us in a bear hug for all of eternity. But if my BMI is 35, why am I checking for Terry Crews? We all know that attraction gets you in the door and personality keeps your place at the dinner table. You are fooling yourself if you think they way you look is not that important. Again, you are who you attract. If you want to meet more men but you’re 20 pounds overweight, get your cankles to the gym! Will this automatically get you a man? No. But it goes back to self-confidence, self-assurance, and an overall healthy view of yourself. If you don’t care of your temple, how do you expect someone else to want to visit inside?




YOU AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’. You don’t have your sh*t together. Finances awry, career in shambles, 2 baby daddies, holding on to unhealthy relationships, the list could go on. Basically, your life ain’t right. So when you cry and scream that you wish you had a man and can’t figure out why you can’t seem to find a GOOD man, you need to ask yourself are you a GOOD woman? You want a man with a 401K, brand new Mercedes and likes to travel abroad, but you’re debating on which Michael Kors purse to buy while you still have $20,000 in student loans from 1998? Now we all know that strong couples can help to bring each other our of tough situations, and I know a few women ( and men) who have met their significant others while they were not at their best. It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love. But you can’t expect to have an Idris Elba look-a-like with a Bill Gates work ethic wife you up if you have Calvin from Wacarnold’s type of mentality( points if you get the reference).

YOU AIN’T ABOUT DAT LIFE. You don’t lead a life influenced by something spiritual. Not that you necessarily need to be a Christian, Hindu, or look to Buddha for guidance, but if you’re life isn’t driven or founded by some sort of moral belief system, you may not attract good people. You say you want a good man who loves his family, respects his elders, and wants to fight for world peace, but the only 10 Commandments you know are the crack ones Biggie was talking about. You want a morally sound spouse? You need to be morally sound yourself.

YOU HATE YOURSELF. It all comes down to self-love. Everyone knows the saying, ” You can’t expect someone to love you if you don’t love yourself”, and it couldn’t be more true. I should not expect a man to just swoop in on his white horse ( maybe white Range Rover?) and love me and tell me how pretty I am if I can’t even look myself in the mirror. When you don’t love yourself, you neglect yourself physically and mentally. You berate yourself. You let yourself go. You eat ribs and ice cream on a daily basis- together. See what I mean? Not lovey-dovey at all. And who wants to date that chick? Oh now SOMEONE will. Because there are always going to be people out there who will take it where they can get it. Even if it has BBQ sauce stains. But when you love yourself, you don’t want that. Loving yourself in turn allows others to love you- which will allow you to attract the guy who not only take you out for ribs on OCCASION, but will take you to the fancy restaurant with cloth napkins. Now, that’s love.
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Written by, Michelle Bynum and originally published on Corner Politics