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Have you ever been involved in a relationship where it was was evident that you were into the other person way more than they were into you? You would profess your love, your commitment to them, and your plans to establish a long-term relationship with them. Over time, your goal in the relationship was to make them and keep them happy at all costs. But regardless of all the good you have done, one mistake and you’re in bad standings and one foot out the door. You find yourself always scrambling to stay in that person’s good graces. And instead of enjoying the relationship, you always find yourself in emergency mode trying to save the relationship and keep the other person from becoming dissatisfied and leaving. If two or more of these things apply to your current relationship, I am sorry to inform you that you are on “Pins and Needles”.

Key word: Mutual Admiration. It’s like a magnet. When two people are attracted to each other, their magnetic pull will bring them closer to each other. In a Pins and Needles relationship, there is only one person who is attracted, or for better terminology, committed to keeping the relationship intact and progressing. If you find yourself constantly begging and pleading that person to stay, or if you find yourself having to initiate everything in order for the relationship to progress, you are currently involved in one of these relationships.

Let me give you a scenario. Ladies, let’s say that you meet a guy that you are really feeling. You hit it off and after a few months, you decide to become exclusive. During the course of this relationship, you do something that upset him, and he decides that this relationship isn’t going to work and it’s over. So now you’re pleading with him to give you another chance, and you’re trying to be Miss Pristine, doing everything right and exactly how he likes it. So he decides to give you another chance, and you have started a cycle that you are unaware of. You have unknowingly agreed to become a party in a Pins and Needles relationship. The shift of the power in the relationship has changed from balanced to 90/10, with him having 90% of the say of the terms of the relationship. Now you’re in a position where you feel if you don’t do things to his liking that he will leave you. And because you want to be with him so much, you don’t look at it as being a “pins and needles” relationship. You look at it as saving your relationship.

Well, you couldn’t be further from the truth.

A mental health evaluation is in order. If you make a mistake, you apologize. If you give your best and your best isn’t good enough, then you don’t apologize. You should apologize for hurting or upsetting somebody, but you should never apologize for being who you are. People who are in Pins and Needles relationships often form a bad habit of changing up from who they are in order to keep the person that they are with. Deep down inside, there may be a fear of being alone, or perhaps they are just so infatuated with the person that they will do whatever it takes to keep them. You really have to stop and think about a couple of things. One of those things being that if this person is threatening to leave me, maybe I need the examine the strength of their commitment. If we are in a relationship, and I have done something that you didn’t like, and you threaten to break up with me whereas I don’t think that the punishment fits the crime, then I am letting you walk. By no means am I implying that you shouldn’t fight for your relationship. But you shouldn’t be fighting to keep your relationship afloat every time something happens in the relationship that your significant other doesn’t like. It would be nice if the other person showed some concern and put some effort in ensuring that the relationship progresses.

I’m sure we all have been in a relationship similar to this at one point in our lives. This is why many people are afraid to be expressive about their feelings in relationships. They don’t want to be the vulnerable one and at the mercy of a partner who just doesn’t care about you, the way that you care about them. This is the reason women don’t tell men “I love you” first, even though they felt it weeks ago. In order to experience healthy relationships, we can not allow ourselves to remain in these type of situations for extended periods of time. Once you feel like you have given 100% and the other person is not reciprocating, it may be time to plot your exit. There’s no worse feeling in the world than sticking around in a relationship hoping that one day this person will feel the same way about you that you feel about them. Because the reality of it is that they will not. Some people will say that it is bad to have pride in a relationship, but I disagree. Pride keeps you grounded and prevents you from losing yourself, and that is exactly what will happen in a Pins and Needles relationship. Know your worth, know what you bring to a relationship, never beg for acceptance or love. You should never work for it, being yourself should suffice. Remember that you are important too!
Bryant Bunting is the author of Dear Women I’ve Slept With, available on Amazon and Kindle

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