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If anyone knows me (and if you don’t, you should), I’ve had my share of experiences with online dating. I’m now completely off looking for love through the World Wide Web, since it’s cheaper to meet crazy people at Buffalo Wild Wings.

You name it, I’ve tried it., eharmony, BlackPeopleMeet, OKCupid,, and finally Tinder. After passing through too many profiles with men with shades on, I am done being propositioned for threesomes, spankings, and being a side piece. I tried to be optimistic as I tried each site, hoping there was someone out there just like me who was “normal”, just looking for love. However, it’s quite difficult to decipher normal when a man named “whiteboylovesebony” emails you, asking if you “like to cuddle” on a first date.

I ran across an article recently on an app that is in its creative stages that would set you up with the perfect person to “Netflix and chill” with. But, the cleverly titled, “Netfling” takes it far beyond someone to leisurely come over to your apartment and watch the first 20 minutes of Episodes 1 of Narcos. Based off of your Netflix queue, the site would connect you with someone possessing similar show preferences.

Sounds perfect, right? Looking at my own show history, I appear to be obsessed with crime, murder and documentaries about sex-trafficking. Oh, and Grey’s Anatomy. I’m not so sure I would even want to be matched with someone who watches as many Charles Manson specials as I do. But hey, I’m “normal”, right?

This got me to thinking that if someone could create a matchmaking app based on your Netflix preferences, perhaps I could create more reliable apps that might assist me in finally finding my first ex-husband. Yes, I could say let’s create apps that allows you to filter out people with no education, has a significant portfolio, and drives a car older than 2013, but we know that doesn’t eliminate the fact that you may still meet a jerk, right? Since the other half-dozen dating sites didn’t work for me, I thought of a few ideas that might be a more realistic and pratical way to find love:

WHAT YOU MEAN YOU DON’T EAT NO MEAT?: Specifically designed to exclude vegans, vegetarians, even those gluten-free people. I don’t need that type of negativity in my life. I don’t you thinking you’re better than me just because you eat tofurkey at Thanksgiving. I like MEAT gravy, son. The last thing I want on a first date is to have a man look at me sideways when I say that the big piece of meat I wanted on our first date referred to a NY strip and not him.

MUSIC MAKES YOU LOSE CONTROL…FOR LOVE: This app will set you up with someone with an identical Spotify playlist. You know how much I would love to meet a man who loves Linkin Park, Eminem, and Teena Marie as much as I do? Extra bonus if he actually knows who Daley and Quadron are. Oh, and it would also scan a potential match’s playlist for any trap music. If it’s there, you won’t be matched to them. It’s like they don’t even exist.

NO BAE ZONE: An app that scans a man’s social media accounts for the use of the word “BAE” is an app after my own heart. It’s a word that I can’t stand, and it makes no sense. It’s like you’re not even TRYING to win at life. Paid subscriptions will give you an added bonus of excluding potential suitors with atrocious spelling and bad grammar.

MAS MAMAS DE LOS NINOS: I should have used this app 2 boyfriends ago. He had too much baby mama drama, and children he chose not to disclose to me. Look, we all know that not every co-parenting situation is a nightmare, but if an app can allow you to dodge a baby mama/baby daddy conundrum, sign me up! Filters on the app will include # of previous relationships that ended in offspring, child support payment amounts, and proof of marriage/divorce.

TALK DIRTY TO ME…OR NOT: Am I being too selective if I dismiss a guy who asks me if I’m a swinger while we’re on our first date? I am always wary of men who bring up intimacy talk earlier on in the dating process. If your first text is “Hi, I’m looking forward to our date” and you follow it up with “Have you ever had sex with a Hispanic guy?”, I’m probably not going to call respond to your text. At least wait to see if I know how to behave myself at Chipotle before you ask if I like Mexican.
Written by Michelle B., Founder of Hot Mess Life. HotMessLife is a blog to explain all the mistakes I’ve made in life, including cutting my own bangs. Take a peek into my sarcastic brain as I tackle love and life.

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