I am not good at dating or relationship games. Those kinds of games don’t work for me. I usually end up feeling resentful – resenting myself for not speaking my truth or resenting “him” for some real or perceived misgiving.

I have read the praises of the “game.” I have heard about the many different rules of dating, relationships and love.  I have (attempted) to play those games, which is why now I am fully confident that games are not for me. Oh experience!  It is the greatest teacher yet.

 With experience comes a more solid conviction about who you are, what you want and what works and does not work for you.  As uncomfortable as they can be, I dig honest and forthright communication. I want all the cards on the table, where we can communicate openly and honestly without having to rely on assumptions.

I want to know him – flaws and all- and I want to be known, wholly and fully.  Making self-affirming and self-respecting choices don’t require games or a rulebook. True self-respect doesn’t come through manipulating another or by lying to yourself, it comes from being true to your core values and being assertive enough to ask for what you want and state what you don’t want. Respecting someone else is similar, and it also involves giving the other person the space to communicate and speak his/her own truth. 

I know where playing the game comes from, because I too have been in that place. It’s called vulnerability. It is a lot to risk when it comes to matters of the heart, especially if we’ve been hurt before.  Yet if we really want true connection built on a foundation of solid love and friendship, then some level of vulnerability is necessary.With wisdom, we learn who to allow in our lives and who to trust with our hearts. As the saying goes, “real recognize real,” and I want real.

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written by Nika Campbell, Guest Blogger for Code Red Flag