Approaching the Pack: How to Talk to a Woman While She’s Out With Friends

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Today, on the Code Red Flag Facebook page, I shared this quote that one of my female friends posted on her timeline:

“I hear men say all the time that they don’t approach women in groups. Call me crazy, but that displays a remarkable lack of courage on a man’s part. It’s also a complete turnoff. If you’re intimidated by my friends then you weren’t good enough in the first place.”

This post has received approximately 100 comments; mostly from men crying foul! The guys commented that it isn’t intimidation that keeps them from approaching women who are out with their friends. Rather, as one put it, it’s due to how differently a woman acts around her friends in contrast to when she’s alone.  The dynamics of the pack make the approach more difficult and some men choose to not engage.

Personally, this sounds like fear or intimidation to me, but if you fellas say it’s not I will take your word for it. For those of you who want to engage a woman on a girl’s night out, here are some tips for engagement.

1. Before or as you’re approaching  smile. If she returns the smile it should be safe to approach.

2. Make sure your breath and hygiene are up to par. Do not, I repeat DO NOT approach a group of woman smelling like yesterday’s left out food.

3. Greet the pack (her group of friends), Be sure to smile, shake hands, and introduce yourself to each of them.

4. Make a quick pitch.  Remember, she came out with her girlfriends for a reason. You can’t expect to monopolize all her time. Say something like, “I see you’re here with your friends so I don’t want to take up too much of your time. I just wanted to take this opportunity to give you my phone number because I don’t know that I’ll ever see you again if I don’t. Give me a call sometime, I’d like to take you out and get to know you.”

5. Leave her alone for the rest of the night. In fact, you may want to leave the venue so she doesn’t see you making moves on other women or making a fool of yourself.

There you have it. No need to be intimidated, ehh, I mean worry about the group dynamics. Just make it sweet, simple, and quick then get out of dodge.


Ladies do you have any additional pointers?
Written by Dena Reid, Esq., Founder of Code Red Flag

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So, first of all, this was a very well written post and a unique topic to touch upon. I think it's clever that you transferred the energy from our conversation into this forum.

Notwithstanding my previously discussed objections to the initial quote (lol), I think your tips seem pretty useful. Smiling and gauging body language before the initial approach gives you a sense of whether she is receptive to conversation at the moment. Introducing yourself to the entire group portrays you as sane and friendly. The quick pitch and exit shows that you respect the fact that she's out with her girls and you're respecting their space. This all reflects effective communication. Whether you get a cal or not all depends on the woman at that point, but it's still a good approach.

With that being said, the pointer in your post that stands out the most to me is your "quick pitch" suggestion. As a man, it usually doesn't cross my mind that approaching a woman and handing her my number is even an option lol. I think it's a product of the "men are the hunters/pursuers" mindset. With that in mind, I think that when myself and the guys were discussing this scenario in our initial conversation, we all were envisioning the "getting her number" scenario instead of the "giving her my number" scenario. The "getting her number" scenario requires us to be in the physical presence of her and her friends for long enough to build rapport and then make the ask; which typically requires a bit of time, and is why I think so many of us view it as an unpredictable situation subject to "group dynamics" lol.

Your advice definitely stems from an understanding of the viewpoint of a woman and one of the things I like most about CRF is that it's a space where we can communicate across the gender lines. Great post!


I just don't think it's a good idea to approach and feel obligated to go through a possible interrogation by the friends, in order to get a number. I'm an introvert, so I don't like small talk. I was one of those that believed women and men act differently when with their crew. I'd much rather approach a woman who is alone or maybe has stepped away from her friends. I don't think is fear, just avoiding unnecessary small talk.


I can understand why this would be more difficult for an introvert. Thanks for commenting.


You've got game! *AOL voice :) Girls night out is girls night out for a reason in my honest opinion... When/If I choose to go out, I'm earnestly just trying to have a few drinks and a good time... Come what may... I'm not a "pack hunter" even though I'm pretty sure I could be... If that's the his thing though, then I find this to be pretty solid advice...