90 DAYS LATER
“Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” was a very popular relationship advice book. In fact, it has become so popular that they have adapted a movie and a sequel based on the book. What I’ve noticed is that most women that read the book seem to always talk about the “90 day rule” and implement it into their dating routine.
If you’re not familiar with the 90 day rule, it was a recommendation made in this book that suggests that women should wait 90 days before becoming sexually intimate with a man she is dating or involved with. The premise behind this is that men don’t value women who sleep with them too soon after meeting them. There’s this belief that if you sleep with us during the first week or the first month that you have permanently ruined your chances of a man taking you seriously. I was really astonished by how many women believed this and put this theory into practice. However, the results of following this 90 day rule were mixed and this can easily be attributed to this practice not being well thought out.
The first question you need to ask yourself is “Why are you waiting 90 days?” What are you waiting 90 days for? Is it to get that man to respect you? Do you think that holding out on sex for 90 days is the key to earning a man’s respect?
In reality, you’re holding out because you don’t want to be viewed as easy and you think that this is going to make a man a value you more. I have conversations with other men all the time and not once have it ever come up that we considered a woman a potential wife because she made us wait 3 months. In fact, we are more likely to become frustrated by it.
Here’s the thing. When many of us meet a woman, we have an idea of whether we could see ourselves taking her serious or if she is someone we just want to have fun and sleep with. We determine this pretty early on. If we decide that she is someone we just want to sleep with, most of time there is nothing you can do to change that. Our goal has been set. Many women feel like they are protecting themselves by making the man wait 90 days, but if he only wanted to sleep with you on day 1, he’s still only going to want to sleep with you on day 91. Now most women are thinking that this process should eliminate the men who are not serious about a relationship because no man is willing to wait 90 days just for sex. This assumption is how many women end up devastated.
Even if he does decide to wait the 90 days to sleep with you, what makes you think that he isn’t sleeping with other women during those 90 days? Many men find it difficult to remain faithful to a woman that they are sleeping with, so what makes you think he’s going to remain faithful to a woman who isn’t giving him any sex? 3 months is a long time, especially when on average nowadays, most couples start sleeping together within 3 to 6 weeks of dating.
It’s not that difficult for a man to find a woman who will have sex with him in the first month. And there’s also likelihood that this man already had women in his past that he had sex with that he could easily have a friends-with-benefits relationship with until the 90 day wait period has expired. So making a man wait 90 days did not benefit you if he was sleeping with other women the whole time, which although you may be in denial, he probably was. So, if he could have sex with all of these other women, why would he wait 90 days for you? Because we love the conquest, and we love new vagina. You just waited 90 days to become intimate with a cheater. Bravo!
And also, what makes you think that after he has sex with you, he won’t disappear, and you’ll simply become a woman who waited 3 months for a one night stand. Do you want to risk investing 3 months of your time emotionally into a man, only to have sex with him for the first time and then never hear from him again? Yes, this does happen. The only difference between this and a one-night stand is that you wasted 90 days of your life hoping that your situation with him would materialize into something special and it didn’t. This is what we men know that you ladies don’t. Whether we sleep with you on Day 9 or Day 90, if we think you are wife potential, we are going to stay with you. And whether we sleep with you on Day 9 or Day 90, if we think you are a jumpoff, we are going to treat you like such no matter what. You’ve invested 90 days of your time to a man that had sex with you and left you immediately after. Bravo!
Even if he sticks around, what makes you think he’s going to commit? Men lie all the time. If you haven’t established that you and he are going to be in a committed relationship prior to your 90 day wait period, then what’s the point? You’re still having sex with somebody that didn’t commit to you. So now you’re having sex after 3 months and you’re still as confused about your relationship status as you were at the end of month 1 and month 2. Congratulations!
Some women try to force the commitment during this 3 month period. It makes them feel better when they decide to have sex with him. Some men are so focused on getting a taste of that new stuff that they will commit to you just so that they can sleep with you, and then after having sex with you, will tell you that things aren’t working out and break it off with you. You’re still going to be devastated. And all you did was wait 90 days to have sex with somebody who lied and manipulated you, just to be discarded. Congratulations!
What happens when you decide to have sex with the first time for him after 90 days, and the sex was horrible? You will feel that you wasted 3 months of your life dating somebody that you no longer have a desire to be with because the sex was that bad. Women want good sex. Are you going to let the fact that he waited 90 days keep you committed to him even though he can’t please you sexually? There’s no such thing as a happy relationship with bad sex. You could have found this out months earlier and cut the cord before you invested all of this time. You could stay and torture yourself by being sexually dissatisfied or you could just admit to yourself that you wasted 90 days of your life on a man that you’d constantly want to cheat on.
What happens if he thinks you’re bad in bed? Sex is very, very, very important to us men. We will not remain committed to a woman we are not sexually attracted to. We will not remain committed to a woman that has wack sex. We are not going to stay. Sexual chemistry is important to the success of a relationship. You’ve just wasted 90 days of your time with a man who no longer wants to be with you because you are not sexually compatible. Like I keep saying, you could have found this out weeks or months ago.
I’m an advocate for having sex early on. I’m not suggesting for you to have sex the first night or even the first week. In fact, I think you should have sex when you are ready and not put a time frame on it. The 90 day rule suggests that sex should be some type of reward to the man for waiting 90 days. I believe that sex should be simultaneous with getting to know the person and building the relationship. It speaks volumes when you start having sexual relations with a man after 4 weeks and he commits to you in a relationship a few weeks later.
Take back control over your sex life. Have sex with a man because you’re ready and you want to do it. Have sex because the chemistry is right and you are anticipating it. If he stays, he stays. If he leaves, he leaves. It’s better to figure this early on, than to wait 90 days to get the same result.
Sex is very important to a man in a relationship. It is one of the most apparent ways that we express love. Let us express this early on. Waiting 90 days doesn’t benefit anybody. A man waiting 90 days does not establish his character or his intentions. All you know is that he waited.
The effect that sex has on a relationship is always a gamble, whether it takes 1 day, 30 days or 90 days. He might decide to leave you regardless of how long you make him wait. But the more time you take, the more you’ve invested, and the more you are risking. I don’t know about you, but I’m always trying to minimize my risk. But if you still decide to follow this rule because you are adamant that it will give you the results you want, then I’d definitely be interested to hear from you 90 days later to let me know how it went.
Written by Bryant A. Buntin, Author of Dear Women I Haven’t Slept With.
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